I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
