i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We are all done wearing pants today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
