my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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