My Higher Power is John Stamos
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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