literally had 100 drinks last night.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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