Apparently you make a good broom.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I touched a dick in church today
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
