dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
