I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
