nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
