Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
