It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
