I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
