shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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