If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
