Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
