my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
