Plan B is the new Plan A
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
