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it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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