i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
