I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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