p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
