is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
