dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
