I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
