Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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