How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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