Just fell off a train. Bad.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
