the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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