I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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