Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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