It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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