She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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