My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
