grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
