she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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