The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
