You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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