apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
