apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
