WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
