The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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