Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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