Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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