I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
