Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize