Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
