I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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