need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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