I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
