i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
