he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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