The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
