The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
