I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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