Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
