chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
